God, I dont know what your plans are or what you doing right now, but I want to be honest with you, this hurts, it hurts more than I could have imagined. I wont ask you why, but I can tell you that I need you to heal me and make me whole, I won’t ask you for answers, but I need to see what you need me to see from this situation.
That was my prayer after my loss. I looked at myself, feet swollen, tired, hurting, crying every second I needed to. My mom just heard me burst into tears in my sleep, she came and sat next to me and said you gonna be okay when you cry, don’t hold back the tears. Im here for you my child. I held on to her and let it all out while saying, it hurts ma, it hurts. What hurts Sana? She asked, the fact that my baby is gone, and that I had to be induced for him to be taken out. I felt like he was forced out of me when he didn’t really want to. My mom held me so tight and said eveything is going to be okay ousi, Im not saying you going to forget about him, but you going to be fine. At the back of my mind was, I hope so mom.
The process of going through loss was a strain, not just to me, but to everyone around me as well. I wasn’t the only one waiting for the baby, my partner was, our families and friends were happy for us too, so why do I want to go through this alone, I asked myself. I came to a realization that I had learnt to push everyone away to deal with grief alone, I guess that’s what I pushed myself to believe. I remember after a few days later telling my partner that I think I need space to heal because I feel like having so many people around keeps me from dealing. Forgeting that he lost a son too. That I should actually be by his side and be there for him too. Yes, I was the one carrying, I was the one bonding with him, but he was there too. He had his own moments where he will touch my belly and speak to him and he was also expecting him as we were both warming up to the idea of being parents.
I have never been in this situation before and hoping that I will never go throught it, at the back of my mind praying and telling myself that I will do whatever I can to protect the baby, so I had a lot of assummed reasons why would one lose their child. Some were that they were not resting enough, they were smoking or drinking, they were too stressed, their bodies couldnt handle it. Pssst, Really? There are people out there who take drugs, drink alcohol everyday, work stressful jobs and all that, but still carry through full term. Some don’t even have food, they eat what they have, no vitamins, no medical aid, so it couldn’t be all these reasons I had that these things happen. However as a normal human being I wanted a reason as to why it happened. So my prayer was, Lord please show me what I need to learn from this situation as I can see that I have not really come to a full understanding and please help us to be kind with ourselves. A song that was playing in my heart was🎼Lord, whatever you doing in this season, dont do it without me🎼. The reason for this song was that I didn’t want to miss the blessing behind it all because Im thinking this whole situation was about me. What about the soul I was carrying? It was about him too, I had to see the love that God has for him to keep him for himself, who knows what could have happened if this didn’t happen?
Im driving to work with my colleagues following me, got to a customer site did what we needed to do and then drove to the lab. On my way from the lab a trigger from an old song that goes like: nobody knew, that you had to go, so suddenly so fast. Although Im missing you, I’ll find a way to get through. I stopped by the side of the road as I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. My colleague came to me and asked what was wrong, all I could say was Im not coping at all. Im gonna go back home, please tell my manager that I will work from home today. I call my partner and tell him that Im going back home as Im not coping at work, okay babe, please tell me when you get home, he says. I get home soaking wet with tears, he calls to find out if Im home already, can’t really talk because now Im screaming my lungs out, mind you Im still in the car. He finally manages to calm me down I get inside the house and wait for my manager’s call. He finally calls and tells me that he is sorry that my day wasn’t well, but I should have called him. Then he continues telling me about how much Im supposed to push so that I can get sales. I just asked him if there was something he needed me to do for him, then I did it. All I wanted was some time off to grieve, that’s all. I know Im strong, but this time I didn’t want to be strong and continue like nothing has happened.
Losing a child is unbearable, I remember asking myself how did my mom cope after losing my brother at the age of 30, just as she thought she would reap the fruit, she was called to be told that her son is no more. I felt for both my parents at that time. During this healing process, I learnt what love is, I started understanding why my mom goes crazy if two days passes without me speaking to her. The bond formed from the inside out while carrying me, believing in something that she couldn’t see, loving someone even before meeting them. Giving up the things she loved so that I can be okay. Teaching me to pray while I was still inside of her. The routines, the walks, the knowing when to feed me, why am I restless, why she gave up her own body for a little soul as a shelter. The respect I have for her was intensified. I know and understand why she would stop whatever she was doing if she was told that Im not okay or Im in trouble to come and see if Im okay, and I mean just to see my face. Although she had to allow me find my own path, if it was up to her she would fall on my behalf and Im grateful that she is still alive and appreciate every moment I spend with her.
Phone rings and I answer, hey babe, how are you today? Im taking it one day at time love, how about you. Eish, you know if I tell you, you might just start shouting at me, I said. No, I won’t, what’s wrong, please tell me, whats wrong. Tears started rolling down my face, I couldn’t think of the first right thing to say, so I just said, I feel so empty right now. Like I have nothing to offer, so you are free to leave because nothing ties you to me now, I said. Okay, can I please see you later on so that we can talk about this. I don’t think this is a kind of conversation one has on the phone, so may I please come see you? Okay, see you later then. It’s 7pm and my mom and I are watching tv and laughing out loud. I get a call from the gate, it’s him neh, my mom asked. Lol, yes its him ma, okay, I will be in my bedroom. Wait to greet him first Ma, okay she responded. I open the door and he walks in. So I dish up for all of us, then we eat. Immediately after we eat my mom leaves. Goodnight guys, travel safe going back home. Okay, thank you Ma, he says.
As soon as my mom closes the bedroom door, he hugs me so tight and says, okay lets talk about this matter now, and thank you for the food. So before I met you Gift, I didn’t really know what I wanted, the kind of woman I want to be with, how I want to be treated and so forth. Then I met you, all these things changed. You were not pregnant the last I remember and I was just a guy who is dating a beautiful lady. So our relationship was never based on the baby to start with.
I looked at him surprised because I honestly didn’t expect that. I expected something like, you are right actually, we should let each other go. Instead I get, for your information, Im not going anywhere, we gonna go through this together, he said. I couldn’t hold back the tears, it wasn’t really tears of sadness, but of joy. Realizing how much I thought he stayed with me because of the baby wasn’t true. I never had people choose me or atleast that’s what I was lead to believe. Thinking so little of myself and yet others value having me in their lives broke my heart, but I just brushed that feeling off. Right now you don’t have to give me anything Mamosa, all Im asking is for you to draw strength from me. I want to take care of you, he said. You are like a tree that bears fruit in due season, not all the fruit can be enjoyed and get ripe though due to some reasons. No matter what season the tree goes through, it never dies unless someone cuts it down. You are the tree and I will take care of you so that when the season of fruitfullness comes I know you are okay. Please be strong, you have life all around you and please keep the light shining and don’t let the tree die. Shocked out of my mind I just nodded.
Heavenly father, I come before you yet again. Today I want to thank you for the strength you are giving me, thank you for holding me, thank you for loving me and the son you have kept for yourself so that I can have life today. Thank you for every soul you have placed and allowed in my life so that I can grow. Most importantly, thank you for Phela* in my life. Thank you for giving him the strength to love me even when my heart is cold, thank you for the strength he gives me when he holds me in his arms and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Thank you for the longsuffering that he goes through everyday. Lord I can’t thank you enough, although my heart bleeds and my heart yearns for answers, what I have vowed is that the faith I have in you shall not die. You are Alpha and Omega, my begining and my end, you my provider, Lord of all. You are the creator and giver of life. If this is a test for our love, we allow that your will take place, but we also pray for discernment Lord, that we are able to think for ourselves, to hear You when you whisper in our ears and hearts, because people will give us advice, they will tell us what is wrong and what is right, they will point us to places we should go and shouldn’t go, but our faith, hope and trust is in You. I humbly put everything in your hands as I ask that, Lord whatever you are doing in this season, please don’t do it without me. I want to be present Lord. In the name of your son Jesus Christ Amen.
As am uttering this prayer, tears just fall down my face, and find hope in the love that was clothing me. All I could do was be grateful, although there was so much sorrow in my heart. Everyday I would pray and ask for strength and ask God to help me because I have seen a lot of partners drowning in this without fully recovering. My therapist advised that the trauma is actually what leads to that, and it even gets as far as a person not being able to concieve or struggling. She said our minds are wired in a way that they create defence mechanisms in order to protect us. So if your mind assigns or associates pregnancy with pain it will always repel it and one miscarries over and over again. Another thing she told me was that some people want to go back and try again immediately of which they shouldn’t, but they should allow themselves to heal and research on the matter. She said in most cases we want to replace because the emptiness felt inside wants to be filled and forget the pain.
Loss is a blessing to the one lost,but a very painful one to the one left behind. Imagine all the people you and I lost due to accidents, illness and etc. The pain has gone away, they are healed from top to bottom, they are with our King in heaven. Their bodies we can’t see, but their spirits are with us forever. My partner said to me, why do you think that the baby is gone? He is not gone, he is always with you, just in another form. You might have thought that he was premature, that is only the body, his spirit was complete and he lives inside of you and me forever. I shed a tear with a smile. I have come to accept that God gives others healing through others. My phone rings and its my sister. Hey sis how are you? Im fine thanks sis, how are you? Im well thanks. What’s up? I asked, no I was just checking up on you, said my sister. Oh, Im coming alright. How are you holding up because I know this might have opened a can of worms for you too, I asked. Eish ousi, its painful but right now it’s not about me. No ousi, dont say that. You know I think we had to go through this so that we can heal together. There is one thing I want you to see right now, there is nothing wrong with you my angel. What I have learnt from this situation is that God is the giver of life.
When I lost my older brother, I learnt not to take anyone for granted. I learnt to make peace in my heart with those that I love and care about. I learnt to give an ear and listen to where the other person comes from and I learnt to ask why today and not wait for tomorrow because I so wanted to ask my brother a lot of questions, but I couldn’t because he was no longer there. I had to understand that he didnt decide to take his life becuse he hated us, but he thought it would make our lives easier. He didn’t just decide to leave his daughter behind, but he wouldn’t be able to live with himself because he felt that no one trusted or believed in him. I learnt to show people how much I appreciate their presence in my life, even though sometimes I shy away and go to my hiding place.
When I lost my father I learnt strength to persevere, I learnt to go out there and make things happen for myself, I learnt independence and never to look at someone thinking they are my everything because I might open my eyes tomorrow and find that they are not there, but when I lost my son I found life, I found love, I found faith, I found hope. I found life through healing, allowing myself to go through every pang, every tear, every sleepless night, evey chance I spent with him inside of me gave me life.
Everyday I was happy, not knowing how Im going to do it, anxious but looking forward to every moment. Every craving I got was worth it because I knew how it feels not to think for myself alone as I was carrying someone. Faith is a subtance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen. Everyday I had faith the little one is okay and hope to feel him kick again. Hope is the anchor of the soul, firm and secure as it enters the holy sanctuary behind a curtain. I couldn’t keep even one scan of the baby to have proof, until we decided we going to take a video as the sonar machine was not printing. Eveytime I thought about the life inside of me, I found so much peace, I had a reason to wake up in the morning and eat or even odd hours of the night.
The lessons I have learnt through this process are priceless, and I will never trade them for anything. I now know that people simply love and care for me, that when they reach out I should open my heart and let them in, that I am not alone and I don’t have to go through anything alone. That yes God is alive and always there for me, but He also is in my fellow brother’s and sisters and if I need a hug someone will always be there with open arms. That I have someone that I can depend and count on besides myself. That its okay to be vulnerable and cry, that its okay for people to see that Im also human. That its okay for me to not know things and not have control over anything. Its okay to just let go and let God.
Im thankful for the opportunity granted to me for those few months I spent carrying him. Im thankful to everyone who shared this experience with me from the begining till today. Im thankful to my mom for having carried me till today, she could have decdided not to have any more kids. Im grateful for everything that she taught me and that she still teaches me. Im grateful for the love she shows me. Im grateful for the support I get from my brother and sister. Most of all, Im grateful for the man whom I never really believed existed in this world Phela. The strength and courage he showed throughout. The strength of the love he showed me even when I wasn’t too sure. I know that God loved me enough to bless me with him.
I can say I have learnt a lot, but the most important lesson from all this is that Im never fully in control of anything. That God gives and takes life. That He is the one and only sovereign and almighty God. Who was, is and still to come. I thank you Heavenly father you have shown me that you alone are God. That my timing and yours is not the same, that when you speak things happen, that when you open a door, no one can close it and when you close it no one can open it. To all the couples out there, who have and don’t have kids, those who are planning, those who are praying and asking God to bless them with the seed of the womb, those who have given up because the doctors said they should and those who don’t want kids but are pregnant and to eveyone who has never lost a child, to all single parents, lets bow down and say only if you say yes Lord then I will make my move. I have learnt not to want to replace him, but to allow myself to deal with the reality that I carried a soul even though it wasn’t for me to keep. I know that there is a void inside of me that can only be filled by having a child, but I had to know what I know now and allow God to bless me in His own timing.
Open your hearts and your minds, love and support each other, take care of each other, stop blaming each other, love your children and allow them to grow and prosper and teach them to love. You are not the only one, there are many people out there with the same struggles its just that we don’t know. My prayer is that God heals us all. Know that for every broken heart there is healing. Know that after a storm there is a rainbow, and there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Rest in peace my boy, I know you are in good hands,and I know that you loved us, just as much as I want you to know that you are deeply loved. I know that your body is not with us here, but I called you Onalerona for a reason and that is because you are always with us. I know that you love to see us move forward, I know that you want to see us happy. We both know that you are happy even though we can’t see your face or hear your face, but we feel your spirit. I can write a lot of words, telling you how much I love you, but since your spirit lives in me, I want you to listen through my heart from inside.
With love❤mom and dad🤗😘👪