Moving from the center of self

When I was told that I have a “calling” I thought about one thing which is myself of course. I mean who else was I suppose to think about?Others? No ways, I came alone in this earth and Im gonna leave alone. 
So growing up I was abused emotionally, physically, psychological, sexually and all, and I couldn’t understand why am I hated so much. I was called names that I never thought a ten year old girl would be called. In order to protect myself I kept to my lane the whole time. However that just lead me to living a life of proving them wrong. When all I wanted was for them to see me for who I am. You know the person I always saw when I looked at myself in the mirror. It was difficult.

What I failed to see was that it wasn’t about me, it was about them. All the things they were saying were how they felt about themselves not me. All I wanted from them was to give me a chance. Well, one day I decided to accept the fact that not everyone is for me. That people will favor others over me. One day I was praying and I asked ” God please tell me why do I have to be treated in this manner, what have I done to them? what can I do to fix myself?” If you thought I got answers think again, because they became worse.

My days were spent in weeping more than joy, I wasn’t suppose to play with other kids or I had a cut off time for playing. After all that I still had to make sure that my baby sister is fine and that she takes a bath before my mom came home or else all hell will break loose. Oh that’s not what I wanted. Recently as I am continuing with this journey of self discovery as it makes it easier for me to understand others, I realized that It’s really not about what I did or didn’t do, what I said or didn’t say, what I think about and what I take for granted, but its about me moving from the center.

I used to read self help books that would say “remove yourself emotionally from the situation” I honestly didn’t understand what they mean by that. I mean for a person who has always been told that they are wrong, the first thing that I would do is look at myself and go to my ” sorry corner”. Trust me, I never liked it there. I always felt like I was about to explode. So I decided Im going to start asking questions so that I can be aware of what people are really saying to me, I had to learn to hear between the lines because I couldn’t hear anything anyway. The things I would mirror were only negative things, I would also hear and mirror selectively. That’s a bad habit to be honest. Imagine being someone’s mom who still thinks the world revolves around them? I mean that’s basically what I used to think.

So my boyfriend and I are having a conversation and Im telling him what my sister said. We took an oath to be honest with each other since we want to grow together. So he listens to me go on and on about how much my sister hurt me, and she always has a way of getting on my nerves, and that she is the one who invited me, so Im basically gonna take her home. He looks at me and says ” babes, what your sister said to you, its really not about you”. I continue defending my statement accordingly, I know my sister babe, I do. He then asked me a couple of questions that lead me to realize that, Ooops it really wasn’t about me.

I mean people have their own problems that they deal with on a daily basis love, he says. So you need to stop and listen to what exactly are they saying so that you can align with them. Don’t fight back or try to defend yourself, just listen and empathize with them. Tell them that you can understand why they feel the way they do about you.

At some point I was asking people what they think of me, others said Im proud, others boring, others funny, others said Im smart, others said I think Im better than them, the list goes on and on, and as you can see both negative and positive qualities were voiced out. So I decided to take a breather really and think about this matter, because it really confused me. How can different people have different views about one person? Aaaah, because they are different. I think at that time I hadn’t really established the person I wanted to be, like my character has not come to my conscious yet. So I stopped for a bit to establish the kind of person I would like to be. Not for them, but for myself.

I read the bible and all the books I could buy for self help and one day I managed to remove myself from the situation emotionally, just applying logic and trust me it was so much better. So what happened was that I was at my theraphy session with Sarah* and I went on and on about how much I want to change my mind. You know what the bible says in Romans 12v2: and do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. So she stopped me” Gift why do you sound like you are the only one who needs to change here?I mean from what you are saying this person needs to meet you halfway as well. I mean you can’t keep on proving yourself so much to people. Remember you are enough”. All you need to do right now is tell them how you feel. But Sarah, I can’t voice out these things, what if they turn the table and I end up being hurt, when I could have just kept it to myself and move on with life?

Well then Gift tell me, did that work for you previously? No it never worked I said. Then why use the same method that doesn’t really work to solve a problem? You are a loving person that much I can tell you, but you need a bucket to put in the nonesense not the people. You seem to carry people with their baggage, that’s why you get hurt. By nonesense I mean their bad habits and please don’t get me wrong, Im not saying that they are right and you are wrong, what Im trying to tell you is that you are not an angel and you also have bad habits.

Lets take it back to Jonah, he was sent to Niniveh but he chose to go to Tarshish, why? Because he wasn’t thinking about anyone else but himself. It’s very easy to be self centered, at the back of his mind he probably thought he was protecting himself, and that’s true he was protecting himself. But listen to his conversation with God: Jonah was angry and asked God to take his life just because the people he was sent to didn’t listen to him, but then God asked him: Is it good for you to be angry?Because of the gourt you havent laboured for? But I shouldn’t spare my people that I have laboured for? The Lord asked Jonah. I did the same thing that Jonah did. But when Sarah explained to me how easy and innocent for one to become self centered and selfish. Always thinking about themselves and not other people. I staarted to realize that Jonah meant no harm at all. He just needed to be safe, because he probably understood that one can’t make people do what they dont want to do.

However I started putting myself in their shoes. Started realizing that some of them felt so guilty or shameful to a point where their pride drove them to not even want to apologize. It happens to everyone. Sarah continued to explain to me that even lending a helping hand without being asked is thinking highly of myself, because if that person needed help they would have asked me. Even when they ask me, it doesn’t mean that they cant do it themselves, it just means that they can’t at that time.

That sometimes helping someone means keeping my comments to myself because its not about me. If it is about me, then I should learn to say no to them and to myself who always wants to take control. When I started seeing things in this manner it became easier to realize their pain, their efforts, their frustration or stress, and all I should do is ask how can I help. However others tell me that they don’t need my help. That was just a step I took, but when I started believing the word from the book of ezekiel the last chapter where it says the house of the Lord will be called the Lord is there. I started realising that nothing is about me, but everything is about God.

The load that was taken off my shoulders was amazing. I started feeling peace crawling back intoy heart. I started feeling the wind blow. I can’t say I don’t slip back to the trap of selfishness but I can say that I am a work in progress and Im glad that God is with me through every stage. I realized that bu putting God in the center of everything, it becomes better because Im not always driving. Removing myself from the center helps me to love others better. Yes, its hard to love our neighbour as ourselves, but since I tried, I feel better about myself.

Its not about you….or me, its about God!!!

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My safe place

Realizing how active my mind is, I had to at least use it for beneficial things. I have a place where I go in my mind when I feel the need to escape my reality. Especially if I can’t go hiking. 

When Im in this place I feel my adrenalin pumping like something is about to happen. Like a huge snake is gonna pop out and not kill or eat me, but protect me. This safe place is full of wild animals that protect me instead of harming me. I created this place because I realized just how much I didn’t trust people. Whenever someone would try to get close to me I would make sure that I push them away. The other thing was that I couldn’t really take people’s piercing words anymore. I know I also have piercing words but they were just too much. Especially because in our culture a child is not suppose to speak up when they feel attacked. The wild animals would play with me, I’d ride on their backs, they would share their food with me and allow me to be me. This is a place I go when I feel the need to calm down, be a child and feel happy with no care in the world. So like a child would have a fantasy world that is so perfect I also have mine. The rush is what keeps me excited, what keeps me believing that it doesn’t matter the experiences I had as a little girl, there is still hope out there. The rush is what keeps me going back to hiking, walking long distances only hearing animal sounds, not knowing what’s behind a tree or shrub, every stone I come accross, no matter how high the cliff is, I still have to make it to the end of the path. It’s what is inside that keeps me going. Keeping me focused on the goal, blinding myself from the obstacles that could keep me from achieving the goal. It helps me realize how great God is, how all that is around me is not man made, How He never make mistakes and How He wants us to trust in Him, because while Im on that path, my trust is not on what I have, but its on God, the knowing that He will see me through no matter what. Helps me realize that nothing happens by chance, but that all things works together for my good.
I like listening to the waves. I will tell you why. There is a verse in the bible that I like and it says be still and know that I am God. Have you ever seen the rocks inside an ocean? Those waves come as strong and violent as they can get, but the rocks just stand still. They are not moved by the waves or the wind for that matter. When there is turmoil in my life, I look left or right and nothing seems to work out. I rememeber those rocks, they are at peace, it doesn’t matter how much the wind tries to swerve. Thats when I also remember the verse when Jesus calmed the storms, all He said was “peace be still”. I know that there is nothing I do on my own. I know that God is by my side the whole time. I know that Im nothing without Him, in Him I live and move and have my being. The grace that He gives me during those storms and winds surpasses all understanding. This place reminds me that without waves, without winds, without turmoil, if the ocean was just still and there was no sound that came with it, then it would be boring for those rocks to be there. I never know how strong or how much strength I have to endure a tough situation. I never knew how stable I could be if I don’t go through those windy situations. I will never know how to deal with turmoil if I don’t go through it. So what if the rock moved? What if the wind blows it away, what if it loses its grip? Then what? Does it mean God is not there to keep it where it should be? Honestly speaking, I am not too sure how deep or loose those rocks are in the water, but they seem pretty deep, imagine if all these things happen, there is always someone at the “beach” they might get hurt by this rock. Just like me, if my calmness is circumstantial and Im affected by the wind, then my roots are not that deep and those around me might get affected. So whenever there is situation I try and be calm about it. Remember when it got tough for Jesus He went to mount Gethsemane to pray with Peter and John, but it got deep for them and they slept, so He ended up praying alone. He was also frustrated about being crucified and He despised the shame that came with it, but He was looking forward to the throne. What Im trying to highlight here is that sometimes God just wants me to come to Him alone and tell Him that I desire His will above mine, that’s why He would push others away.
Though if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil. Your stuff and your rod comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: le ga nka tsamay mo mogorogorong wa moriti wa loso, ga nkitla ke boifa bosula bope gonne o na le nna. Tsamma le seikokotleo tsa gago di a nkgomotsa, ruri molemo le mosa wa gago di na le nna. When Im going through distress being it sickness, a threatening work situation, family member sick or anything as drastic as that I pull out this verse from Psalm 23. Its my pillar whenerver I need strength to endure whatever situation Im going through. There was a time I couldn’t sit up for more than ten minutes, I couldn’t stand up for that long either due to back issues. One day as I was about to stand up to switch on the lights in the house, I fell down on my knees. I prayed and cried out “thank you Lord”. I couldn’t stop my tears as I went down memory lane realizing that I never would have made it without Him. Realizing that He was with me through it all. I cried so much when I realized that I could have given up, I could have opted to get married to someone that would take me out of my poverty and misery and would make sure that that person takes care of my mom. I would have opted on taking the easy way out. I would have tried to prove everyone wrong who was telling me just how much of a fool I was, I would have opted to just throw in the towel when all odds where against me, but there was something inside of me that kept on cheering me up, saying that you are never alone, you are not done yet, stand up you are not done yet. No, dont take that route, take this one. As I was going through that moment, I stood up, managed to close the curtains and switch on the lights and continued with my day. I thought I was never going to make it from that situation of being half disabled, like I mentioned before sometime God stops or slows you down for your own good. Not because He wanted to punish me, or show off, but because He is a jealous the valley of the shadow of death is where I will meet and see great power. I allow Him to break me, because I will feel much better when He is done putting me back together again. This is one of the songs I normally listen to when Im going through the valley


Song: The potter’s house
Artist: Tramaine Hawkins

In case you have fallen, by the way side of life
Dreams and visions shattered you all broken inside
You dont have to stay in the shape that you in
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again x2
In case your situation has turned upside down
And all that you’ve accomplised is now on the ground
You don’t have to stay in the shape that you in
Oh the potter wants to put you back together again

Chorus:
You are broken stop by the potter’s house
You who need bending stop by the potter’s house
Give him the fragments of your broken life
My friend, oh the potter wants to put you back together again.

Working as a traveller helped me get over the fact that I could get lost on the way. Sometimes I used to wake up in the morning and type the address in the GPS and then drive. Life journey is the same way, I go to bed at night not knowing whether or not I will wake up and what is going to happen. All I will have is my plan of an ideal day. However going to provinces and areas I don’t know anyone at really helped me navigate life itself and trust that God will take care of me, and I shouldn’t be afraid. He will not let me to wonder alone. At some point my mom couldn’t get hold of me and my sister and brother where now frustrated because of the pressure my mom was putting them on. The reason why they couldn’t get hold of me is that there was no network where I was booked. We went for supper and I decided to join this lady. She asked me my name and I told her, the next question was are your parents christians? My answer was yes they are, then she said to me, your name says it all. Then we continued talking about christianity and she was telling me how much she loves fasting. I said oh me too. Then I went to sleep. The thing about an open road is that it allows you drive with any speed without having to worry about stopping anytime soom because a safe place to stop might be an hour away. An open road allows you to admire nature, one can stop and look at their surroundings, admire Gods creation, when driving appreciate the complexity of the road travelling on, the curves, the sharp turns, the incline, the declines, the speed humps, the rocks that look like they might fall. Its a beautiful feeling to know and understand that although there is a tar road, there was a word that was first someone’s thought for that tar road to be there. When one arrives at their destination they are calm and just want to rest. An open road taught me to realize that it’s not about my destination, but its about what happens on my way to the destination because thats when the thrill kicks in. It taught me to realize that I should be aware of my surroundings more than looking to where I am going, because there are lessons to be learnt while Im getting there and those lessons are important because of the fact that I might need them where I am going next. An open road is a blessing, but always bear in mind that there is a mission for every blessing and if one gets the mission right, the position is guaranteed.

Fear of the open door

Have you ever came across an open door and you saw the light, but you never go through the door because you don’t know whats behind it? I have come across many open doors, every time I come across them I stop for a while to listen to my heart beat. It’s ridiculously sounding like a beating drum. I then ask myself whats behind that door? Is it going to hurt me? Is it going to eat me? Then I will wait for a while to see if something is going to come out of that door. A closed door on the other is something that most of us would pursue without thinking twice, why? Because we will be knocking with the hope that someone will open and let us in. But that is not always the case, some people knock longer than others and some people give up sooner than others. A closed door is an opportunity to walk away just like an open door is an opportunity to walk in and see who switched on the lights. An open door can be safe and unsafe at the same time because of the fact that it might be sodom and gomorah in there. Where everyone does as they please, where there is temporary joy, where there is pain, where there ia more hate than pain, where there is jealosy, envy, danger and so forth. However sometimes that door was left open so that one can be exposed to that kind of life especially if they have never been there. I took a trip down memory lane and remebered that for most of my life I was a church girl. Everything around me was about church. To a point where I even questioned myself whether or not Im doing it because of my parents or there is just nothing I can compare it with. I remember the feeling or fantasy I had for freedom, the fantasy I had just to know how it feels like to test other waters. Then I saw an open door, I got the thrill of trying it out. I entered. For three odd years I lived a miserable life revolving around pleasing people who didnt even care about me, people who claim that they love me but treat me like Im nothing, people who treated me nice just so that they can take what they needed to take from me. Basically I lived a meanlingless life. I remebered the feeling I got of not breathing at all, always on an oxygen mask trying to catch my breath, nurses and doctors trying to resuscitate me with no hope at all, I lived an empty life. I remember one day waking up and saying to my ex, I need to go back to my church, he said to me, but you have been going to church. When you go to your church you become otherwise. I said to him, it means you don’t accept me for who I am. Then that door was closed. I saw another open door and thia time I was reconciled with my heavenly father, I remember feeling at peace with every song that they sang. I was surrounded by love and joy, from the people I hardly know. I felt like the prodigal son who returned home after asking for inheritance from his father only to waste them. I remember going back and forth or round in circles to that closed door picking up my fallen pieces so that I can give them to God to patch them up. I remeber praying to and saying: “Lord I lay here on this operating table for you are my surgeon, every piece that was broken put it back in it’s place, but I thank you for taking me through that journey. I thank you for keeping me as a lamb amongst jackals and I thank you for calling me back home” . You see I have learnt that God opens doors that no one can close and He closes doors that no one can open. I have learnt to never pursue every door that I come across, its okay take a look, if it’s not what I was looking for, its still okay to walk away. There are two songs that I would love to share with you and their words are below:


Love lifted me

I was sinking deep in sin
Sinking to rise no more
Overwhelmed by guilt within
Mercy I did implore
Then the master of the sea heard my despairing cry
Christ my saviour lifeted me, now safe am I

Love lifted me, love lifted me
When no one but Christ could help
Love lifted me
Love lifted me, love lifted me
When no one but Christ could help
Love lifted me

When the waves of sorrow roll
When I am in distress
Jesus takes my hand in His,
Ever He loves to bless
He will every fear dispel, satisfy every need
All who heeds His loving call finds rest indeed


Constantly abiding

There’s a peace in my heart, that the world never gave
A peace it cannot take away
Though the trials of life may surround like a cloud,
I’ve a peace that has come here to stay

Constantly abiding, jesus is mine yes Jesus is mine
He will never , never leave thee, Jesus, Jesus is mine

All the world seem to sing of a saviour and king
When peace sweetly came to my heart
Troubles all fled away and my night turned to day
Blessed Jesus how glorious though art

These songs are my pillars when I see an open door that seems like something I would like to have, but its not for me.

Stay blessed!!!

Healing through Loss

God, I dont know what your plans are or what you doing right now, but I want to be honest with you, this hurts, it hurts more than I could have imagined. I wont ask you why, but I can tell you that I need you to heal me and make me whole, I won’t ask you for answers, but I need to see what you need me to see from this situation. 

That was my prayer after my loss. I looked at myself, feet swollen, tired, hurting, crying every second I needed to. My mom just heard me burst into tears in my sleep, she came and sat next to me and said you gonna be okay when you cry, don’t hold back the tears. Im here for you my child. I held on to her and let it all out while saying, it hurts ma, it hurts. What hurts Sana? She asked, the fact that my baby is gone, and that I had to be induced for him to be taken out. I felt like he was forced out of me when he didn’t really want to. My mom held me so tight and said eveything is going to be okay ousi, Im not saying you going to forget about him, but you going to be fine. At the back of my mind was, I hope so mom.

The process of going through loss was a strain, not just to me, but to everyone around me as well. I wasn’t the only one waiting for the baby, my partner was, our families and friends were happy for us too, so why do I want to go through this alone, I asked myself. I came to a realization that I had learnt to push everyone away to deal with grief alone, I guess that’s what I pushed myself to believe. I remember after a few days later telling my partner that I think I need space to heal because I feel like having so many people around  keeps me from dealing. Forgeting that he lost a son too. That I should actually be by his side and be there for him too. Yes, I was the one carrying, I was the one bonding with him, but he was there too. He had his own moments where he will touch my belly and speak to him and he was also expecting him as we were both warming up to the idea of being parents. 

I have never been in this situation before and hoping that I will never go throught it, at the back of my mind praying and telling myself that I will do whatever I can to protect the baby, so  I had a lot of assummed reasons why would one  lose their child. Some were that they were not resting enough, they were smoking or drinking, they were too stressed, their bodies couldnt handle it. Pssst,  Really? There are people out there who take drugs, drink alcohol everyday, work stressful jobs and all that, but still carry through full term. Some don’t even have food, they eat what they have, no vitamins, no medical aid, so it couldn’t be all these reasons I had that these things happen. However as a normal human being I wanted a reason as to why it happened. So my prayer was, Lord please show me what I need to learn from this situation as I can see that I have not really come to a full understanding and please help us to be kind with ourselves. A song that was playing in my heart was🎼Lord, whatever you doing in this season, dont do it without me🎼. The reason for this song was that I didn’t want to miss the blessing behind it all because Im thinking this whole situation was about me. What about the soul I was carrying? It was about him too, I had to see the love that God has for him to keep him for himself, who knows what could have happened if this didn’t happen?

Im driving to work with my colleagues following me, got to a customer site did what we needed to do and then drove to the lab. On my way from the lab a trigger from an old song that goes like: nobody knew, that you had to go, so suddenly so fast. Although Im missing you, I’ll find a way to get through. I stopped by the side of the road as I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. My colleague came to me and asked what was wrong, all I could say was Im not coping at all. Im gonna go back home, please tell my manager that I will work from home today. I call my partner and tell him that Im going back home as Im not coping at work, okay babe, please tell me when you get home, he says. I get home soaking wet with tears, he calls to find out if Im home already, can’t really talk because now Im screaming my lungs out, mind you Im still in the car. He finally manages to calm me down I get inside the house and wait for my manager’s call. He finally calls and tells me that he is sorry that my day wasn’t well, but I should have called him. Then he continues telling me about how much Im supposed to push so that I can get sales. I just asked him if there was something he needed me to do for him, then I did it. All I wanted was some time off to grieve, that’s all. I know Im strong, but this time I didn’t want to be strong and continue like nothing has happened.

Losing a child is unbearable, I remember asking myself how did my mom cope after losing my brother at the age of 30, just as she thought she would reap the fruit, she was called to be told that her son is no more. I felt for both my parents at that time. During this healing process, I learnt what love is, I started understanding why my mom goes crazy if two days passes without me speaking to her. The bond formed from the inside out while carrying me, believing in something that she couldn’t see, loving someone even before meeting them. Giving up the things she loved so that I can be okay. Teaching me to pray while I was still inside of her. The routines, the walks, the knowing when to feed me, why am I  restless, why she  gave up her own body for a little soul as a shelter. The respect I have for her was intensified. I know and understand why she would stop whatever she was doing if she was told that Im not okay or Im in trouble to come and see if Im okay, and I mean just to see my face. Although she had to allow me find my own path, if it was up to her she would fall on my behalf and Im grateful that she is still alive and appreciate every moment I spend with her.

Phone rings and I answer, hey babe, how are you today? Im taking it one day at time love, how about you. Eish, you know if I tell you, you might just start shouting at me, I said. No, I won’t, what’s wrong, please tell me, whats wrong. Tears started rolling down my face, I couldn’t think of the first right thing to say, so I just said, I feel so empty right now. Like I have nothing to offer, so you are free to leave because nothing ties you to me now, I said. Okay, can I please see you later on so that we can talk about this. I don’t think this is a kind of conversation one has on the phone, so may I please come see you? Okay, see you later then. It’s 7pm and my mom and I are watching tv and laughing out loud. I get a call from the gate, it’s him neh, my mom asked. Lol, yes its him ma, okay, I will be in my bedroom. Wait to greet him first Ma, okay she responded. I open the door and he walks in. So I dish up for all of us, then we eat. Immediately after we eat my mom leaves. Goodnight guys, travel safe going back home. Okay, thank you Ma, he says. 

As soon as my mom closes the bedroom door, he hugs me so tight and says, okay lets talk about this matter now, and thank you for the food. So before I met you Gift, I didn’t really know what I wanted, the kind of woman I want to be with, how I want to be treated and so forth. Then I met you, all these things changed. You were not pregnant the last I remember and I was just a guy who is dating a beautiful lady. So our relationship was never based on the baby to start with.

I looked at him surprised because I honestly didn’t expect that. I expected something like, you are right actually, we should let each other go. Instead I get, for your information, Im not going anywhere, we gonna go through this together, he said. I couldn’t hold back the tears, it wasn’t really tears of sadness, but of joy. Realizing how much I thought he stayed with me because of the baby wasn’t true. I never had people choose me or atleast that’s what I was lead to believe. Thinking so little of myself and yet others value having me in their lives broke my heart, but I just brushed that feeling off. Right now you don’t have to give me anything Mamosa, all Im asking  is for you to draw strength from me. I want to take care of you, he said. You are like a tree that bears fruit in due season, not all the fruit can be enjoyed and get ripe though due to some reasons. No matter what season the tree goes through, it never dies unless someone cuts it down. You are the tree and I will take care of you so that when the season of fruitfullness comes I know you are okay. Please be strong, you have life all around you and please keep the light shining and don’t let the tree die. Shocked out of my mind I just nodded.

Heavenly father, I come before you yet again. Today I want to thank you for the strength you are giving me, thank you for holding me, thank you for loving me and the son you have kept for yourself so that I can have life today. Thank you for every soul you have placed and allowed in my life so that I can grow. Most importantly, thank you for Phela* in my life. Thank you for giving him the strength to love me even when my heart is cold, thank you for the strength he gives me when he holds me in his arms and tells me that everything is going to be okay. Thank you for the longsuffering that he goes through everyday. Lord I can’t thank you enough, although my heart bleeds and my heart yearns for answers, what I have vowed is that the faith I have in you shall not die. You are Alpha and Omega, my begining and my end, you my provider, Lord of all. You are the creator and giver of life. If this is a test for our love, we allow that your will take place, but we also pray for discernment Lord, that we are able to think for ourselves, to hear You when you whisper in our ears and hearts, because people will give us advice, they will tell us what is wrong and what is right, they will point us to places we should go and shouldn’t go, but our faith, hope and trust is in You. I humbly put everything in your hands as I ask that, Lord whatever you are doing in this season, please don’t do it without me. I want to be present Lord. In the name of your son Jesus Christ Amen.

As am uttering this prayer, tears just fall down my face, and find  hope in the love that was clothing me. All I could do was be grateful, although there was so much sorrow in my heart. Everyday I would pray and ask for strength and ask God to help me because I have seen a lot of partners drowning in this without fully recovering. My therapist advised that the trauma is actually what leads to that, and it even gets as far as a person not being able to concieve or struggling. She said our minds are wired in a way that they create defence mechanisms in order to protect us. So if your mind assigns or associates pregnancy with pain it will always repel it and one miscarries over and over again. Another thing she told me was that some people want to go back and try again immediately of which they shouldn’t, but they should allow themselves to heal and research on the matter. She said in most cases we want to replace because the emptiness felt inside wants to be filled and forget the pain. 

Loss is a blessing to the one lost,but a very painful one to the one left behind. Imagine all the people you and I lost due to accidents, illness and etc. The pain has gone away, they are healed from top to bottom, they are with our King in heaven. Their bodies we can’t see, but their spirits are with us forever. My partner said to me, why do you think that the baby is gone? He is not gone, he is always with you, just in another form. You might have thought that he was premature, that is only the body, his spirit was complete and he lives inside of you and me forever. I shed a tear with a smile. I have come to accept that God gives others healing through others. My phone rings and its my sister. Hey sis how are you? Im fine thanks sis, how are you? Im well thanks. What’s up? I asked, no I was just checking up on you, said my sister. Oh, Im coming alright. How are you holding up because I know this might have opened a can of worms for you too, I asked. Eish ousi, its painful but right now it’s not about me. No ousi, dont say that. You know I think we had to go through this so that we can heal together. There is one thing I want you to see right now, there is nothing wrong with you my angel. What I have learnt from this situation is that God is the giver of life. 

 When I lost my older brother, I learnt not to take anyone for granted. I learnt to make peace in my heart with those that I love and care about. I learnt to give an ear and listen to where the other person comes from and I learnt to ask why today and not wait for tomorrow because I so wanted to ask my brother a lot of questions, but I couldn’t because he was no longer there. I had to understand that he didnt decide to take his life becuse he hated us, but he thought it would make our lives easier. He didn’t just decide to leave his daughter behind, but he wouldn’t be able to live with himself because he felt that no one trusted or believed in him. I learnt to show people how much I appreciate their presence in my life, even though sometimes I shy away and go to my hiding place.

 When I lost my father I learnt strength to persevere, I learnt to go out there and make things happen for myself, I learnt independence and never to look at someone thinking they are my everything because I might open my eyes tomorrow and find that they are not there, but when I lost my son I found life, I found love, I found faith, I found hope. I found life through healing, allowing myself to go through every pang, every tear, every sleepless night, evey chance I spent with him inside of me gave me life. 

Everyday I was happy, not knowing how Im going to do it, anxious but looking forward to every moment. Every craving I got was worth it because I knew how it feels not to think for myself alone as I was carrying someone. Faith is a subtance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen. Everyday I had faith the little one is okay and hope to feel him kick again. Hope is the anchor of the soul, firm and secure as it enters the holy sanctuary behind a curtain. I couldn’t keep even one scan of the baby to have proof, until we decided we going to take a video as the sonar machine was not printing. Eveytime I thought about the life inside of me, I found so much peace, I had a reason to wake up in the morning and eat or even odd hours of the night.

The lessons I have learnt through this process are priceless, and I will never trade them for anything. I now know that people simply love and care for me, that when they reach out I should open my heart and let them in, that I am not alone and I don’t have to go through anything alone. That yes God is alive and always there for me,  but He also is in my fellow brother’s and sisters and if I need a hug someone will always be there with open arms. That I have someone that I can depend and count on besides myself. That its okay to be vulnerable and cry, that its okay for people to see that Im also human. That its okay for me to not know things and not have control over anything. Its okay to just let go and let God.

Im thankful for the opportunity granted to me for those few months I spent carrying him. Im thankful to everyone who shared this experience with me from the begining till today. Im thankful to my mom for having carried me till today, she could have decdided not to have any more kids. Im grateful for everything that she taught me and that she still teaches me. Im grateful for the love she shows me. Im grateful for the support I get from my brother and sister. Most of all, Im grateful for the man whom I never really believed existed in this world Phela. The strength and courage he showed throughout. The strength of the love he showed me even when I wasn’t too sure. I know that God loved me enough to  bless me with him.

I can say I have learnt a lot, but the most important lesson from all this is that Im never fully in control of anything. That God gives and takes life. That He is the one and only sovereign and almighty God. Who was, is and still to come. I thank you Heavenly father you have shown me that you alone are God. That my timing and yours is not the same, that when you speak things happen, that when you open a door, no one can close it and when you close it no one can open it. To all the couples out there, who have and don’t have kids, those who are planning, those who are praying and asking God to bless them with the seed of the womb, those who have given up because the doctors said they should and those who don’t want kids but are pregnant and to eveyone who has never lost a child, to all single parents, lets bow down and say only if you say yes Lord then I will make my move. I have learnt not to want to replace him, but to allow myself to deal with the reality that I carried a soul even though it wasn’t for me to keep. I know that there is a void inside of me that can only be filled by having a child, but I had to know what I know now and allow God to bless me in His own timing. 

 Open your hearts and your minds, love and support each other, take care of each other, stop blaming each other, love your children and allow them to grow and prosper and teach them to love. You are not the only one, there are many people out there with the same  struggles its just that we don’t know. My prayer is that God heals us all. Know that for every broken heart there is healing. Know that after a storm there is a rainbow, and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rest in peace my boy, I know you are in good hands,and I know that you loved us, just as much as I want you to know that you are deeply loved. I know that your body is not with us here, but I called you Onalerona for a reason and that is because you are always with us. I know that you love to see us move forward, I know that you want to see us happy. We both know that you are happy even though we can’t see your face or hear your face, but we feel your spirit. I can write a lot of words, telling you how much I love you, but since your spirit  lives in me, I want you to listen through my heart from inside. 

With love❀mom and dadπŸ€—πŸ˜˜πŸ‘ͺ

Stuck in between

Looking at the person I aspire to be and the person I used to be, I realized Im in the middle, stuck between where I come from and where I want to be. The battle and the struggle is real. So this is how it goes. Remember the story of the Israelites after the wilderness? So they were suppose to go into the promise land without Moses as he had died, however they didn’t feel comfortable at all doing that. God had assigned someone new, fresh minded and unfortunately he didn’t perform miracles like Moses did. So Joshua was given an instruction to lead them to the promise land with only two instructions from God: Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid. Do not look to the left nor the right for I will be with you as I was with Moses, and he had to just suck it up and lead the stubborn Israelites. Their instruction was I have given you the land, go and possess it.
Well, this is how I fit in. Im given and shown my promise, but possessing it is somewhat a challenge. Hence I call it being stuck in the middle. I have a vision of how my life should be and how it used to be, my youthly adventures, having to be unnecessarily irresponsible, living without that much care, being rebellious even though I shouldn’t, letting go of things and people I should be holding on to and holding on to things and people I shouldn’t. Frustrating right? Yes, I call it the “simple” life with nothing and no one to be accountable for or to. #hides.πŸ™ˆπŸ™‰πŸ™Š

It wasn’t so long ago when I looked at everyone surrounding me telling me how responsible and accountable I am, saying how strong I was and telling me just how much Im ready for a family of my own. Lol, I guess most of them looked at my age and thought that is the reason why I should be all of these things. Well, I can’t say they were not telling the truth becauae everything I did in their eyes confirmed all these things, but emotionally I wasn’t matured and I still am a work in progress. There are areas that I can confidently say I have grown and one most important area that I know I am under developed.

I so want to be complete and balance all areas of my life and by that I mean spiritually, family, socially and work. But I keep on going back and forth either concentrating on one area than the other or letting go completely and going back to my cocoon. The problem with my cocoon is the comfort that comes with it, but Im not growing there at all and that frustrates me, however I have been taking baby steps lately spinning out of my cocoon and man its not easy. The thing about being in the middle is that I got stuck because there were a lot of things I wasn’t sure I want to let go of especially because I enjoy them. Things like being alone, getting home and not doing anything but study without even me eating, not wanting to discontinue my psychological contracts with other people because I feel they need me more than I need my own life. It was easy to focus on other people’s lives than myself. I didn’t see the empty spaces that are there becauae I was busy filling other people’s spaces. You know how empty I felt when I realised that? It was the most painful feeling than I ever felt. I had defined myself and who I am based on what my family wants and forgot to define what I really wanted.
The day I got the enlightenment everyone thought that I was being rude. I used to overcommit myself everywhere, work, family, church, socially and I got so drained I could see that if Im not going to stop right here and right now, Im not going to make it pass this year*2016. So I stopped, not because I just wanted to stop, but because I was tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually and all the other areas, so that made me realise that as people we sometimes we give too much of ourselves which also is a problem because it limits them from growing. Sometimes we should just take a step back to look at ourselves with our own eyes.

The reason why Im now stuck is not because I want to go back, but its the fact that I need to realize things for myself. You know during this path I have seen a lot of things about myself, good and bad habits, deadly ones and etc. The things I used to do, some I liked them and some I didn’t. I thought the way forward was if I hate the ugly and bad side of me , but that doesn’t help as it causes more and more resistance which now keeps me where I am today. Thank God I for revealing to me that the only way for me to move forward is to accept myself and everything that I have done, but most importantly to love all of me. Love my curves and all my edges, all my perfect imperfections.

The most frustrating part with being stuck is the realization that I needed to redefine my purpose based on who and what I believe I am. It is still a journey, a phase, a stage and hard work. A lot of sensitive places and wounds are being tapped on so I can deal with them and heal. I have to admit though that the battle between the past, present and future is tiring, because my heart just wants to get there, but then again I have to be present for me to move to tomorrow.


I look at the future me and I love her more and more everyday as I love my past and present.

If you know how it feels to be stuck say Amen!!!
Till next time love you long timeβœŒπŸ€—πŸ˜—

Stuck in between

Looking at the person I aspire to be and the person I used to be, I realized Im in the middle, stuck between where I come from and where I want to be. The battle and the struggle is real. So this is how it goes. Remember the story of the Israelites after the wilderness? So they were suppose to go into the promise land without Moses as he had died, however they didn’t feel comfortable at all doing that. God had assigned someone new, fresh minded and unfortunately he didn’t perform miracles like Moses did. So Joshua was given an instruction to lead them to the promise land with only two instructions from God: Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid. Do not look to the left nor the right for I will be with you as I was with Moses, and he had to just suck it up and lead the stubborn Israelites. Their instruction was I have given you the land, go and possess it.
Well, this is how I fit in. Im given and shown my promise, but possessing it is somewhat a challenge. Hence I call it being stuck in the middle. I have a vision of how my life should be and how it used to be, my youthly adventures, having to be unnecessarily irresponsible, living without that much care, being rebellious even though I shouldn’t, letting go of things and people I should be holding on to and holding on to things and people I shouldn’t. Frustrating right? Yes, I call it the “simple” life with nothing and no one to be accountable for or to. #hides.πŸ™ˆπŸ™‰πŸ™Š

It wasn’t so long ago when I looked at everyone surrounding me telling me how responsible and accountable I am, saying how strong I was and telling me just how much Im ready for a family of my own. Lol, I guess most of them looked at my age and thought that is the reason why I should be all of these things. Well, I can’t say they were not telling the truth becauae everything I did in their eyes confirmed all these things, but emotionally I wasn’t matured and I still am a work in progress. There are areas that I can confidently say I have grown and one most important area that I know I am under developed.

I so want to be complete and balance all areas of my life and by that I mean spiritually, family, socially and work. But I keep on going back and forth either concentrating on one area than the other or letting go completely and going back to my cocoon. The problem with my cocoon is the comfort that comes with it, but Im not growing there at all and that frustrates me, however I have been taking baby steps lately spinning out of my cocoon and man its not easy. The thing about being in the middle is that I got stuck because there were a lot of things I wasn’t sure I want to let go of especially because I enjoy them. Things like being alone, getting home and not doing anything but study without even me eating, not wanting to discontinue my psychological contracts with other people because I feel they need me more than I need my own life. It was easy to focus on other people’s lives than myself. I didn’t see the empty spaces that are there becauae I was busy filling other people’s spaces. You know how empty I felt when I realised that? It was the most painful feeling than I ever felt. I had defined myself and who I am based on what my family wants and forgot to define what I really wanted.
The day I got the enlightenment everyone thought that I was being rude. I used to overcommit myself everywhere, work, family, church, socially and I got so drained I could see that if Im not going to stop right here and right now, Im not going to make it pass this year*2016. So I stopped, not because I just wanted to stop, but because I was tired, physically, emotionally, spiritually and all the other areas, so that made me realise that as people we sometimes we give too much of ourselves which also is a problem because it limits them from growing. Sometimes we should just take a step back to look at ourselves with our own eyes.

The reason why Im now stuck is not because I want to go back, but its the fact that I need to realize things for myself. You know during this path I have seen a lot of things about myself, good and bad habits, deadly ones and etc. The things I used to do, some I liked them and some I didn’t. I thought the way forward was if I hate the ugly and bad side of me , but that doesn’t help as it causes more and more resistance which now keeps me where I am today. Thank God I for revealing to me that the only way for me to move forward is to accept myself and everything that I have done, but most importantly to love all of me. Love my curves and all my edges, all my perfect imperfections.

The most frustrating part with being stuck is the realization that I needed to redefine my purpose based on who and what I believe I am. It is still a journey, a phase, a stage and hard work. A lot of sensitive places and wounds are being tapped on so I can deal with them and heal. I have to admit though that the battle between the past, present and future is tiring, because my heart just wants to get there, but then again I have to be present for me to move to tomorrow.

I look at the future me and I love her more and more everyday as I love my past and present.

If you know how it feels to be stuck say Amen!!!
Till next time love you long timeβœŒπŸ€—πŸ˜—