I love you 

A little while I carried on hoping to hear these words
A little while I cried, feeling like these words were not enough coming from my mom
A little while I wondered, what does it mean?
A lot of people use and say the words
I love you, he said to me
I love you she said…
I love you they said and I love you too was my response
I stopped but for a while because I couldn’t move on
Due to the fact I couldn’t understand what these words meant..
Hiked deep into my thoughts trying to see it
Hiked deep into my heart trying to feel it
I am a child born of love they sang…
Yet I couldnt tell anyone how it feels..
I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know it
And yet my heart longed for it….
My heart, longed for something it didnt know
Yet my mind told me how it suppose to be
My eyes couldn’t see it for what it is…
I had colours that I used to represent it
I had songs that I sang when I thought I felt it
I had words I used when I thought I understood it
My heart melts everytime I hear him say it
I jumped for joy everytime he said them
And I would say with a smile, I love you too
I stopped but for a while and looked deeper into the clouds of doubt I had within me
Why me, how can he love me?
I stopped and parked my car by the road side
I started walking down the foot trail and followed it…
I love you, not because you love me but because I loved you first…
That’s the first haddle I had to jump
I chose you because I love you
That was the second doubt I had to get over…
I am not worthy I thought, for you were fearfully and wonderfully made He said..
You were bought at a price that no man can afford
Oh what compassion was the cross?
How selfless was He? Is He even human to love like that?
Oh how could You love such imperfection
God created man in his image and He said, you are perfect…
Patient love, kind love, sweet love…Kirk Franklin sang..
Love a word that comes and goes, but few people really know what it means to really love somebody…
I sat down and looked at myself….
Everything I am and the baggage I carry with me
And yet He says He loves me…
He knew what matters most when He chose to love me…
But I was an unfaithful lover returning home
The fear that was in my heart thinking that it will never last
There is no fear in love, but I felt it everyday
But perfect love drives out fear, how can I perfect it when I dont know what it is….
because fear has to do with punishment
I sometimes couldnt even sleep at night because
The one who fears is not made perfect in love
He had no fear for He knew that reconciliation is better than unforgiveness, He knew that love matters most…
Oh yes our relationship is complex
No one really understands it
I stopped by the side of the road while we were walking together
I guess I just wanted to see how my life would be without you
I hiked to see if someone would pick me up
But you stopped when you realized I wasn’t walking beside you and came back for me…
I cried due to the things that I thought I deserved and you didn’t give to me
Didn’t you say you will supply all my needs
You spat me out at some point because I was lukewarm…
You asked me to choose as you have told me that I can’t serve two masters
We fought, I hang up you called right back
I couldn’t take it anymore and I walked away
You just simply told me you aint going nowhere
Oh yes you did mention in the begining that you will never leave me nor forsake me
You are patient with me
You are kind towards me
You are also ruthless when you need to be
I fought with you because I felt like you were cheating on me…how can You say You love me and keep on seeing other people and providing for them too…
It didn’t make sense…
We fought, We played, We laughed, We cried and still together we remained…
We lied to each other, We held each other’s hands
We had people try to break us up, We had people tell us what to do and what not to do, We appreciated each other and Yes we sometimes fail each other
But our love still remains…
You said you needed time alone and I left you
I sat alone in my room and realized that I miss you
I thought I should call you, but my pride wouldn’t let me…
You called, I didnt pick up because I was upset
Upset because you left me alone, But you didn’t give up on us..
And finally I picked up…
I told you all that was bothering me and you said you were sorry…
You came home and held me so tight…
Oh love, the beautiful trauma that you are
I had to sit down and count my blessings as Im realizing that I need you in my life
I cant do this thing called life without You….
I couldn’t see it at first, as I thought I am trying to protect myself from the disappointment I felt before..
While I was trying to push you away
You kept on drawing nearer with every push
My heart was cold and I kept on asking myself why
But I realised that I had given my heart to my first love pain, who didn’t give it back when I left
I wanted to perfect myself first
I started dressing myself up with unkown words
My make up was as thick as a blanket
You simply told me you just need my heart as cold as it was…
I let go and gave it to you
You changed it from a heart of stone to heart of flesh
And I took a long deep breath and tried again
I stopped again and asked who are you
Hoping I was going to find an answer in your eyes
But you became a mistry to me
Like an onion with many layers,
Everytime I try to peel it, my eyes became teary
Because it only lead to the seed of beauty…
The seed of growth, The seed of life…
The seed of compassion and companionship
The seed of truth…
It’s not the flowers You buy for me that makes me love You
It’s not the good things that you do for me that keeps me with You
Its not what You say when I feel down that makes me say I love You
It’s not the pain or joy that you bring to my life that makes me want to see You again
It’s not Your wisdom or words You say that makes me want to speak to You…
It’s not the sound of Your voice that makes me want to listen to You…
Its not the money You have or don’t have that makes me want to love You more
Its not Your love for growth that makes me want to be a better person
Its not Your “I’m sorry’s” that makes me want to forgive you…
Its not about the car You drive or the clothes You wear
Its not Your good or bad habits
Its not the colour of Your skin that makes me love You…
Its not Your personality that makes me want to walk with You
Its not about all that You think I want that makes me love You..
I realize all my blessings Im grateful to have you by my side…
I appreciate the love and dedication from you to me…
Many tried to pull me away from You…
Many questioned Your love for me
Many said we were not good for each other
Many said it’s good that I look somewhere else
Many said a lot of things…
But they didn’t know that…
I love You simply because You are Love…
I love You…

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You have the keys!!!!

Process and Purpose

So the process comes with a purpose. A reason why we have to go through what we go through. However in most cases we have no idea why, which leads us to wanting to pray our way out of the process, but we can ask God what He is doing so that we can yield and be obidient. I’ve learnt that it’s easier to be part of something or do it if I know why Im doing it or why Im going through it.
A good example is Jesus. He was born to die and be resurrected after three days. He probably asked Himself what if I don’t wake up? Jesus was a traveller, He went preaching the word of God from town to town. Leaving His parents as well as His brothers and sisters to carry out His Father’s business. It wasn’t easy, everywhere He went some people accepted Him and some rejected Him. He had to travel like that with His disciples who asked Him questions that sometimes probably got to Him. Sometimes they got irritated when Jesus saves someone they were told doesn’t deserve it.

Why did they have to go through so much frustation? Did they always know why God would choose them to live like that? But Jesus knew, He knew His purpose was to save others through death on the cross. But He also knew His promise was a throne. He never forgot the purpose for His journey. He went through the wilderness where He was tested by the devil, so that He can learn not test God. So that He can be strengthened, so that God can see if He knows where His power comes from. Even if He knew that He was God’s child, He knew that He can’t just fly off the cliff just to prove God’s power. He knew that God has His back, but He also used His mind and the gift of discernment to make the right decisions.

Our purpose brings us to the promise, through a process. They are all linked. But the time came to Jesus when a lot of those nations wanted to crown Him, but He would always say “My time has not come yet”. Why was this? Because the way the people wanted to crown Him was not aligned with the process that God had revealed to Him. I love a realtionship that God had with Jesus. Father and Son, and we can have the same relationahip. God wants to hear from us, He wants us to be curious and ask Him questions. He wants us to bring our fears to Him, He wants us to ask Him why.

I realize the anger that comes with the process, it is there because of lack of understanding. God wants to work with us, not force us to do things and put up with everything. In a relationship we are allowed to ask questions because its easy. God wants us to be His friends, the master servant relationship is not His plan for the rest of our lives.

Beloved, today I urge you to ask why? I urge you to ask God what He is busy with, because its easy.

Stay blessed my beloved!!!!

Promise and Process

In most cases the promise comes before a process. God gives you a promise but never discloses the process we have to go through to get there. Sometimes we even give up during the process and try something else because where we are doesn’t fit or even look like the promise that God showed us. Some see the promise in their dreams, some feel it, some get the instict to follow a certain path and some see visions about it. All of these promises have a process or journey to get to them.

One example from the bible is the story of Joseph. He was his father’s favourite, a gifted one, a dreamer, his father made him a coat of many colors and he shared these dreams with his brothers and father. He shared a particular dream with them that they didnt like, and that was because he saw his brothers bow before him. They decided to conspire against him. Thank God they didn’t kill him, instead God intervened and caused them to sell him to the Egyptians. The promise in this case was that Joseph will be king one day. However the process started when they sold him.

Joseph went through a lot of trouble, from being arrested, accused of being a rapist, from interpreting dreams, from running Pharoah’s house to a lot of other things he went through. The process was messy, long and painful. All alone in a land where he couldn’t even call his dad and talk to him about it, but you know what. He believed in the promise, that God will not show him something that He won’t bring to pass and He persevered through it all. A process of being in prison because of doing something right doesn’t really seem like something that would come from God, but it happened. I wouldn’t say that I know why, but all I know is that God is faithful.

His brothers were probably feeling guilty to have done what they did, to have caused so much pain to their father whom they lied to. They probably thought that they would never even see Joseph again and he probably thought he won’t see them again. No family, no child, in a foreign country and arrested. I think he learnt to forgive while he was in prison because the queen deceived him. The other guy whom he helped in prison also forgot about him after he was released, but he never became bitter about it, because He trusted God’s process. He walked and lived by faith and not by sight.

He had to discern and seek God in every situation he found himself in. When he was ready, God gave it to him, he had to be humbled and taught that it will never be by his power that those who once dispised and spit on him would bow before him. At the end of the day, he was the one who gave his brothers and father as well as their families a place to stay, food to eat, and also his riches. You see, God put him where he needed him for his family. Joseph said that they meant it for evil but God meant it for good. That is the reason why he named his sons Manasseh(meaning God has made me to forget and all my father’s house) and the second son he named Ephraihm( meaning for God has caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction), and he showed them to his father.

Beloved, we probably all despise the process, but we should hold on to God’s promise instead of trying to avoid the process by cutting corners. If we follow the process with praise and worship, allowing God to break us we will arrive at our destinations ready without a trace of bitterness in our hearts and we will be able to carry out God’s work with clean hands and a pure heart.

Stay blessed beloved!!!

Moving from the center of self

When I was told that I have a “calling” I thought about one thing which is myself of course. I mean who else was I suppose to think about?Others? No ways, I came alone in this earth and Im gonna leave alone. 
So growing up I was abused emotionally, physically, psychological, sexually and all, and I couldn’t understand why am I hated so much. I was called names that I never thought a ten year old girl would be called. In order to protect myself I kept to my lane the whole time. However that just lead me to living a life of proving them wrong. When all I wanted was for them to see me for who I am. You know the person I always saw when I looked at myself in the mirror. It was difficult.

What I failed to see was that it wasn’t about me, it was about them. All the things they were saying were how they felt about themselves not me. All I wanted from them was to give me a chance. Well, one day I decided to accept the fact that not everyone is for me. That people will favor others over me. One day I was praying and I asked ” God please tell me why do I have to be treated in this manner, what have I done to them? what can I do to fix myself?” If you thought I got answers think again, because they became worse.

My days were spent in weeping more than joy, I wasn’t suppose to play with other kids or I had a cut off time for playing. After all that I still had to make sure that my baby sister is fine and that she takes a bath before my mom came home or else all hell will break loose. Oh that’s not what I wanted. Recently as I am continuing with this journey of self discovery as it makes it easier for me to understand others, I realized that It’s really not about what I did or didn’t do, what I said or didn’t say, what I think about and what I take for granted, but its about me moving from the center.

I used to read self help books that would say “remove yourself emotionally from the situation” I honestly didn’t understand what they mean by that. I mean for a person who has always been told that they are wrong, the first thing that I would do is look at myself and go to my ” sorry corner”. Trust me, I never liked it there. I always felt like I was about to explode. So I decided Im going to start asking questions so that I can be aware of what people are really saying to me, I had to learn to hear between the lines because I couldn’t hear anything anyway. The things I would mirror were only negative things, I would also hear and mirror selectively. That’s a bad habit to be honest. Imagine being someone’s mom who still thinks the world revolves around them? I mean that’s basically what I used to think.

So my boyfriend and I are having a conversation and Im telling him what my sister said. We took an oath to be honest with each other since we want to grow together. So he listens to me go on and on about how much my sister hurt me, and she always has a way of getting on my nerves, and that she is the one who invited me, so Im basically gonna take her home. He looks at me and says ” babes, what your sister said to you, its really not about you”. I continue defending my statement accordingly, I know my sister babe, I do. He then asked me a couple of questions that lead me to realize that, Ooops it really wasn’t about me.

I mean people have their own problems that they deal with on a daily basis love, he says. So you need to stop and listen to what exactly are they saying so that you can align with them. Don’t fight back or try to defend yourself, just listen and empathize with them. Tell them that you can understand why they feel the way they do about you.

At some point I was asking people what they think of me, others said Im proud, others boring, others funny, others said Im smart, others said I think Im better than them, the list goes on and on, and as you can see both negative and positive qualities were voiced out. So I decided to take a breather really and think about this matter, because it really confused me. How can different people have different views about one person? Aaaah, because they are different. I think at that time I hadn’t really established the person I wanted to be, like my character has not come to my conscious yet. So I stopped for a bit to establish the kind of person I would like to be. Not for them, but for myself.

I read the bible and all the books I could buy for self help and one day I managed to remove myself from the situation emotionally, just applying logic and trust me it was so much better. So what happened was that I was at my theraphy session with Sarah* and I went on and on about how much I want to change my mind. You know what the bible says in Romans 12v2: and do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. So she stopped me” Gift why do you sound like you are the only one who needs to change here?I mean from what you are saying this person needs to meet you halfway as well. I mean you can’t keep on proving yourself so much to people. Remember you are enough”. All you need to do right now is tell them how you feel. But Sarah, I can’t voice out these things, what if they turn the table and I end up being hurt, when I could have just kept it to myself and move on with life?

Well then Gift tell me, did that work for you previously? No it never worked I said. Then why use the same method that doesn’t really work to solve a problem? You are a loving person that much I can tell you, but you need a bucket to put in the nonesense not the people. You seem to carry people with their baggage, that’s why you get hurt. By nonesense I mean their bad habits and please don’t get me wrong, Im not saying that they are right and you are wrong, what Im trying to tell you is that you are not an angel and you also have bad habits.

Lets take it back to Jonah, he was sent to Niniveh but he chose to go to Tarshish, why? Because he wasn’t thinking about anyone else but himself. It’s very easy to be self centered, at the back of his mind he probably thought he was protecting himself, and that’s true he was protecting himself. But listen to his conversation with God: Jonah was angry and asked God to take his life just because the people he was sent to didn’t listen to him, but then God asked him: Is it good for you to be angry?Because of the gourt you havent laboured for? But I shouldn’t spare my people that I have laboured for? The Lord asked Jonah. I did the same thing that Jonah did. But when Sarah explained to me how easy and innocent for one to become self centered and selfish. Always thinking about themselves and not other people. I staarted to realize that Jonah meant no harm at all. He just needed to be safe, because he probably understood that one can’t make people do what they dont want to do.

However I started putting myself in their shoes. Started realizing that some of them felt so guilty or shameful to a point where their pride drove them to not even want to apologize. It happens to everyone. Sarah continued to explain to me that even lending a helping hand without being asked is thinking highly of myself, because if that person needed help they would have asked me. Even when they ask me, it doesn’t mean that they cant do it themselves, it just means that they can’t at that time.

That sometimes helping someone means keeping my comments to myself because its not about me. If it is about me, then I should learn to say no to them and to myself who always wants to take control. When I started seeing things in this manner it became easier to realize their pain, their efforts, their frustration or stress, and all I should do is ask how can I help. However others tell me that they don’t need my help. That was just a step I took, but when I started believing the word from the book of ezekiel the last chapter where it says the house of the Lord will be called the Lord is there. I started realising that nothing is about me, but everything is about God.

The load that was taken off my shoulders was amazing. I started feeling peace crawling back intoy heart. I started feeling the wind blow. I can’t say I don’t slip back to the trap of selfishness but I can say that I am a work in progress and Im glad that God is with me through every stage. I realized that bu putting God in the center of everything, it becomes better because Im not always driving. Removing myself from the center helps me to love others better. Yes, its hard to love our neighbour as ourselves, but since I tried, I feel better about myself.

Its not about you….or me, its about God!!!